Starting this blog has been cathartic for me, but annoyingly in the last week, bothersome. I started this blog because at the time of losing Beatrice I couldn’t find any blogs relating to baby loss that I could relate and aspire to. Well actually absolutely no-one wants to aspire to baby loss, but when I say I wanted something or someone to aspire to I mean taking a glass half full attitude, appreciating what we have in life and basically knowing that not only is it possible to carry on with life, but knowing that life can be enjoyed again.
I started writing this blog whilst reading a motivational book by Laura Jane Williams called “Ice-cream for breakfast: How rediscovering your inner child can make you calmer, happier and solve your bullshit adult problems”. Normally I’d scoff at this type of book I’m not going to lie, because hello I don’t need someone to tell me how to live my life, but for some reason I saw this one and thought, you know what, I’ve got nothing to lose. Well you know what? It turned out I did need someone to give me advice and I’m so glad I bought that book. Each chapter is 3-4 pages long of inspirational/ motivational reminders of why children are happy, and how we as adults can learn to be more child-like (not childish, big difference as LJW explains) and enjoy our lives more. I read one chapter per day before getting up, as a motivation for getting out of bed and doing something, like starting and continuing this blog. I actually cried when I finished the book, that’s how much it resonated with me. I’m crying again now just thinking about when I finished it. I obviously really love this book!
But back to the bothersome blog, last week I’d sort of fallen out with the idea of writing the blog because I thought what can I say that no-one else has already said? Why is what I want to write about important? Who cares what I have to say? What if what I’m writing and why I’m writing doesn’t make sense to people? What is the purpose of the blog? All these loaded questions and judgements that I put on myself for no reason. But luckily this morning, I had an epiphany.
I was in the kitchen, singing my little heart out to Michael Buble’s Christmas album and pottering about and then the doubt and anxiety hit me. Should I really be enjoying myself when my baby has died? Should I really be getting into the Christmas spirit when my baby isn’t going to be here on Christmas day? But then I remembered, I LOVE Christmas. Why should I punish myself for enjoying something I love? This Christmas is already going to be extremely hard I have no doubt, but why make it harder on myself? I deserve happiness (thank you chapter 9). I deserve to not feel the weight of grief every second of every day. Every single person deals with life differently and I’m a glass half full person, so if I don’t relate to the other baby loss blogs out there then that is absolutely more than okay! (Thank you chapters 11, 17 and 35).
And then I remembered that this blog (and my Instagram page) is a combination of my personal journey through baby loss and the things that make me happy. It’s purpose is to help anyone who is experiencing baby loss and feels the way that I felt, like you need to see someone moving forward in life after baby loss with a positive outlook. It’s to help people see that while baby loss takes up a big part of your life it doesn’t have to swallow your life completely. This doesn’t ever mean forgetting, but what it does mean is giving yourself equal opportunities to grieve and to feel happy. This is why it’s important.
Hallelujah! It’s like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders when I realised the above. And so moving forward I’ll still be writing about baby loss in the blog to support the baby loss community and to raise awareness outside of this circle. I’ll also be trying to include more posts about what makes me happy, like pottering about doing little updates to the house, taking photos of my
naughty perfect pooches and of course decorating the house for Christmas – because I unashamedly love Christmas and despite everything I will be trying my utmost to enjoy as much of it this year as I can.
So to finish up if anyone out there is feeling a bit out of sorts, a bit uninspired, anxious or guilty, then I can whole heartedly recommend you read “Ice-cream for Breakfast”, just maybe don’t get as attached to it as I did – or maybe do?! (Thank you chapter 11!)
If anyone wants to share their tips on staying positive and keeping their glass half-full I would love to hear about them! If you want to share please post them in the comments box below;