I originally thought about starting a blog when we (Jamie and I) bought our first home together, as a way to document the updates we were making to our home and garden, and as a means for our family – who are 250 miles away, to have a sneak peek at what we were doing between visits. I thought about it again when we bought Maggie, as her and Arthur were always up to no good and have put us in far too many embarrassing and impossible situations – we’re talking flooding 3 floors of an apartment block here, not just chewing sofa’s, although to be fair to them they did that too! And I thought about writing a blog again when I was pregnant, to keep our friends and family updated on how baby was growing with the idea of continuing with cute milestone updates once they were born. A blog where there would be lots of little life adventures with the baby strapped to one of us two with two fairly well-behaved pooches never far behind, baby learning to walk in the garden in the summer months, again probably most likely being knocked over by the dogs, but you get the idea.
Never in a million years did I imagine that it would be the unthinkable that actually pushed me to start writing this blog…..
This time 8 weeks ago my life was pretty perfect. As is usual on a Friday I’d gone to work, had a few meetings and spent the morning chatting about everyone’s weekend plans. After spending the previous weekend decorating the nursery and late nights through the week putting together Ikea furniture, our weekend plans were for Jamie’s parents to come over for a walk in the woods with the dogs, and for them to bring over the crib so the nursery would finally be finished. Unfortunately that plan never happened, because on the Friday afternoon at a routine antenatal appointment I found out that at 25 weeks my baby no longer had a heartbeat. The next day, Saturday 8th September 2018 I gave birth to Beatrice and we left the hospital with empty arms.
As a result of losing Beatrice we’re both now having to learn how to live a new life, a life without our beautiful little lady. I keep reading everywhere that I’ll have a “new normal” now and so this blog is just about that. This blog is about my life moving forward, the ups, downs and the in between, it’s a space for me to share how I’m filling my days on maternity leave without a baby and discovering my new normal.
This is my motherhood.